The Tillyville Times

special to the Times

"We're on the edge of an epidemic," warned Al Owl, publisher and owner of The Tillyville Times and operator of the Tillyville Newsstand at a news conference early this morning.

According to the publisher, the problem stems from not enough readers. "More eyes would warm the words, keep the ink content," the weary newsman contends. "Otherwise the ink goes bad. It starts to talk back. It doesn't do its chores. You try to contain it, at first it roils, then it boils, then is overflows everywhere. And after that it gets crusty. Once the ink goes crusty on you, we're not just talking permanent smudge—we're talking petrified sludge."

Owl offered the following four simple steps in hopes of reversing the tide of excessive ink:

1. Send letters to the editor.
2. Read articles twice.
3. Read adverbs three times.
4. Mail copies of the Times to friends.

"Otherwise," Owl added, "the only solution may rest with the ink eating ant." Owl is referring to the voracious ink eradicating reader ants of India. A single pair of these fearsome creatures, imported last fall from the jungles of the Amazon.com delta to help solve a similar crusty ink problem in Piggleton, WV, reportedly devoured and denuded the entire Piggleton Library in six seconds. Flat. Only a small handful of semicolons remained. (The Indian Ink Eradicating Ant apparently finds the semicolon indigusti- indigesti- hard to eat.)

Owl, up to his armpits in over-inked type, urged action. "We need more letters," he said. "We don't have nearly nearly nearly enough letters."

Asked for their comments on the impending ink crises, folks at Pompadour's Barber shop scratched their heads. One patron said, "What comes after the bar-be-cue?" After waiting the requisite two point six seconds, he said, "The bar-be-R."

This Week in Tillyville

Monday Chocolate Rat has a new ham radio, and he's not sharing. But then who would want to listen to a lot of hissing and scraping and frizzle-frazzle? Wait. Wait. Something's coming in. It's like sue sue sue, E EEE EEE, krunk krunk krunk krunk. Groik.

A pesky bird has been waking up Tilly Squirrel extra early these days. Tuesday Tilly has a plan. Oh oh!

Wednesday the power goes out. And Tilly is all alone.

A tree has come down in last night's storm. You can't just glue a tree back together, but on Thursday with a little help from Geneva Owl, Tilly Squirrel will figure out something.

Ladies and gentlemen, you won't believe your eyes: dancers! clowns! balancing acts! ventriloquism and comedy! Step right this way, get your tickets for the Talent Show, this Friday, at Dorian's!

Even minding its own business this Saturday, the Hm causes a beach bikini riot!